Long Distance relationships with a goal

The thing that really confuses me is when people are in a long distance relationship just for the sake of being in one or without a clear end goal i.e. what country or city will we both end up in, because it can’t be a long distance relationship forever right? If and when I start a vlog, this could easily be my first topic, since I’ve been there right? Haha. I digress…

Now I’ve been in a couple of long distance relationships (LDR) but my last one which lead to my marriage was the longest at nearly two years. Sounds crazy right? I’ve heard of people that have been in an LDR for five years. Have no clue how they were able to do it because I couldn’t. The thing is, you never really plan to do long distance, well I didn’t. You just can’t help who you happen to fall in love with and where they are situated in the world. Mine began when I saw my now husband back in 2014 on a trip to Nigeria after two years. It was still very platonic and we had no intentions of getting into a relationship….until I got back to the UK. We started talking more and more, feelings got stronger and we decided to start a relationship. So here we were, him based in Nigeria and me based in London, in love. But the thing is, since I moved back to the UK in 2012, I always knew that it was temporary and I would eventually move back to Nigeria so that definitely enabled my decision to enter an LDR as I knew that at some point we would be together and the distance was always temporary. There were several key points that helped me during my LDR and this leads me to my first point:

Having A Clear Goal

This should also be a mandatory conversation that takes place even before you start the relationship; where is this heading? Is there a goal? Not saying that it must end up in marriage  but with every other aspect of your life, if it serves no purpose or has no plan, it’s less likely to succeed right? Is one person going to move to to be with the other? Are you going to move to a new country together? Having this sort of conversation can avoid a lot of  confusion and conflict in the future i.e. if she lives in Canada, he lives in Dubai and both know they can never live outside of their current countries, then having this conversation can save a lot of time and future heartbreak. They say love conquers all but let’s be real, if the love was that strong, one of you would compromise and agree to move to be with the other. So if you can’t do it, talk about it and move on. In the mean time, have a clear plan of how often you will make trips to visit each other until you can be together permanently.

Trust

This is probably the most important factor. you’re not in the same country and a billion things could run through your mind when you can’t get hold of your partner on the phone or when he goes out with his boys. Plus you’ll always have those people, that claim to have your best interests in you heart, constantly in your ear telling you to be ‘careful’. I actually had those telling me that ‘don’t get upset if he cheats o, he’s a man and you’re not there, it’s not easy, forgive him’ or ‘end it, it’s not worth it’. Huh? Did I ever tell you that there was any cheating going on? Haha. At the end of the day, you know your partner more than any of them do and you’re the one in the relationship, not them, so pay no mind to the naysayers. If you are having any trust issues,  which are very likely to happen since you’re so far apart, discuss it with your partner, not outsiders. Communication is key in an LDR. Which leads me to my next point.

Communication, Communication, Communication!

So many self help sites and relationship guides will tell you not to over compensate not seeing each other with phone conversations or messages but I say why not? I don’t mean spending your whole day and night talking to your partner as you wouldn’t do that if you were together and if you are like me and have only child syndrome, you like your space 😄.  But definitely make more of an effort than you would if it wasn’t long distance. This is a great chance for your friendship to develop without being distracted by the physical. I laugh whenever I think of how much 02 international and MTN credit we used to burn before we started using Facetime and Skype. Then when he had to increase his already high data package to keep up with our level of conversation 😄😄. It helped us to grow us a couple. We learnt so much about each other just through talking and listening extensively. Even when we went for our marriage counselling session, our counsellor was surprised at how much we already knew about how much we knew about each other and how much we had discussed regarding our future. And finally…

Self Growth

I really used our time apart to develop myself as a person. When else would I get this much time to myself without my partner. Without sounding selfish, I enjoyed my time alone, probably knowing that it was only temporary. I developed hobbies into skills, turned dreams into plans and actions, strengthened relationships with friends and family, and fulfilled a little bucket list of mine too. Can’t tell you everything that was on the list of course, but one thing was to start going out to places by myself more often instead of waiting for others i.e. going to the cinema alone.

Everyone has their own ways of dealing with long distance relationships and these are the things that helped me get through mine. It wasn’t an easy journey at all and there were times where I may have felt alone, but I never felt the need to quit. No matter how different our methods of dealing with it may be, they should all have work together to have a clear goal so that both parties know where they are heading and what they are doing, particularly if it is to be a serious relationship.

I’d love to hear what experiences you’ve had in long distance relationships if you’ve been in one and how you dealt with. Make sure to leave a comment below x

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13 Replies to “Long Distance relationships with a goal”

  1. Love this post!! Being in a LDR myself I know exactly where you are coming from. Trust for me is the most important thing, once there is trust everything falls into place. It isn’t easy being in a LDR, something I never thought I would find myself in. I’m based in the UK and Fiancé in Nigeria. I have also learnt to exercise patience and understanding, the network in Nigeria isn’t the best, sometimes i could be ringing him and his phone isn’t ringing on his side. Sometimes i ring him and the line is either busy or my call gets declined… but it isn’t him it’s the bizarre network in Nigeria.

    Also time difference; although there is only an hour difference between us, that hour means a lot, so i have learnt to be considerate. If he wants to sleep it doesn’t mean he doesn’t want to talk to me, i just need to respect the time difference and different lifestyles, he wakes up as early as 4am to get ready for work whilst I’m still snoring till 7am.

    Great post! Thanks!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. When I saw this topic on your instagram and I just had to click! Lol. I have been in a LDR for a year now, we both live the States, and I had to move away after being together for just 6 months! It was crazy, but there’s one thing that made us strong. Trust, we are both young and I was afraid of the temptations, but the trust we have for each other is why we are still together. Also, communication. We talk almost all day, and then having a clear understanding of what we both want (in terms of marriage). Sometimes I feel like being far away from each other helps build us up, because we use it to build ourselves first, then apply it in building our love. Finally, I can’t forget prayers, praying together is one of the best things. There are good and bad days, but having the thought of being together forever brings a smile to my face when I’m feeling down or lonely. Thanks for this post Mimi 😊

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Love this post! I have been a LDR for 4 years! Sure wasn’t easy but to the Glory of God we are getting married this December. I live in Canada and my fiancé’s in the UK so 5 hour time difference! And oh yess communication is key! We basically talk night and day if we aren’t busy with work/school etc! Even our families and friends complain lol but it’s what’s kept our relationship thriving all these years! It feels great to prove all those that doubted our LDR. As you said you said once we establish our clear goal we are more likely to succeed! Please continue writing! We are also having our wedding in Nigeria and seeing how gorgeous your wedding was gives me hope!!

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Great post and congrats! LDR is definitely so challenging after my experience he was in the UK and i was in Nigeria and it didn’t work. I told myself i cannot do LDR again but i think it all depends on the individual in the relationship because my ex lacked in communication which was extremely frustrating and that is one of the things that ended the LDR. I’m just glad i didn’t wait too long before i saw all the signs and ended it. I believe all the points you listed is very important in a LDR and God just has to be the center as well.

    Like

  5. A goal is definitely one of the most important things to have. I actually was in a long distance relationship for 5 years and we didn’t have any goals other than “one day we’ll be together” so eventually it had to end. The same year I happened to get into ANOTHER one (ugh) but I actually moved to lived with him and we’ve been together 3.5 years now! That was how I learned it the hard way haha, if only this post existed earlier. You’re so strong and your advice is amazing!

    Like

  6. I love you post. My boyfriend and I are in the same country but he’s in Massachusetts and I’m in California. You definitely lists some valid points that I can relate to, such as self growth. I usually depend on people, but now that I’m in a long distance relationship I have learned to do things on my own. I’ve also learned to be more patient. I’m glad I stumbled across your post!

    Like

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